Going Through the Motions

I woke up yesterday at 6:41 AM and knowing I had a twelve-hour day in front of me, all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. I knew it from the moment I got out of bed: I was going to fight a huge battle today. And boy, did I ever! I tried to fill my mind with encouragement from Scripture, but to no avail. Even a very inspiring talk from one of Back2Back's ministry partners left me on a spiritual mountaintop for only an hour or so.
I resigned to disengaging my mind and heart.

The progression looked something like this:

I don't wanna get up.

I don't wanna film interviews for staff support raising videos.

I don't wanna try to connect with the groups.

I don't wanna take pictures.

I don't even wanna go play with kids.

Most of all, I don't wanna see any more pain in this beautiful but stupid, stupid world.   

Do you ever have those "I'm done! I can't be who people want me to be anymore! I can't be who I want me to be anymore! I can't be who God wants me to be anymore!" moments? 

That was me yesterday.

Strangely, it was only when I let go of the standards I'd expected of myself,
when I let myself slip through the cracks and I sat down on a cooler and
stared out into space, thinking of nothing but how tired I was
and how justified I was in being tired
that I began
to come back
to life.

Then, even though I felt like the worst representation of Christ's love in my thoughts and attitude, I began to "go through the motions." That's a phrase that no Christian wants to partake of. To serve mindlessly, heart spent and soul dragging . . . wouldn't it be better not to serve at all?

But sometimes, "going through the motions" is where obedience and love start. Sometimes, that's where it stays for a long time. Because love is often doing when you don't feel like it. The reverse can also be true. Love can be resting in Christ's sufficient work when all you wanna do is serve.

But for me, I was just tired.


So, zombie-like, I got up and filmed the interviews.
I played legos with Jocelyn.
I kicked the soccer ball around with Giovanni (until it got stuck on the roof.)
I checked in on how the group was doing building a picnic table.

I played Jenga with Luna and Chicho, whose laughter and smiles waged war on the deep sadness I have been feeling lately, a despair that often comes back to haunt me, birthed from hearing of pain that others have gone through/are currently facing.

I was poked and prodded by mischievous Miguel, invited to sit with Camila, laughed with Christian's mom while swatting away dozens of moscas (flies) swarming around the food from the cookout we were having in the community. 

And this soothing lullaby Bible verse became real to me:

"Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30

My impossibly-patient and never-condescending Teacher stooped down to my level (Shepherd to sheep style) and invited me to partake in the work He was doing in His people in the community of Bonfil. I grabbed hold of His hand, with all my grumbling reservations, and watched as my burdens of despair and exhaustion were paradoxically resolved through the very thing I thought was exhausting me: service.

For another perspective on yesterday from my fellow intern/friend Rachel, read her awesome blog post.