I have been working on filming/editing staff support videos for the Back2Back staff here. Feel free to watch these two so you can get a more dynamic glimpse of what Back2Back is doing currently and also get to see some of the sites at which I have been serving!
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Saturday, July 26, 2014
Who I Am
7 weeks down, 1 to go.
God has stretched these seven weeks into 49 long but fulfilling days. I anticipate seven more days of witnessing God at work among His people in Cancún. I pray the stubborn veils of familiarity and fear would not separate me from full immersion in God's process of making all things new (Revelation 21:5).
Will it be coming back to Cancún to work here for a year? Will it be working and serving in Morristown, Nashville, New York, Indiana? Will it be grad school? Will I be using my media production major? What about music? Writing? Will I be helping people? Will I find fulfillment in the next phase of life?
I'm resting (or trying to rest) in the fact that these questions do not matter so much as the One who goes before me no matter what: my Shepherd who has been faithful to lead me to the next patch of grass and sustenance in every transition: to my private high school, to Taylor University, to Ireland, to Mexico (twice.)
 |
| Playing a VBS game |
I'm anxious to see what my next step is.
Will it be coming back to Cancún to work here for a year? Will it be working and serving in Morristown, Nashville, New York, Indiana? Will it be grad school? Will I be using my media production major? What about music? Writing? Will I be helping people? Will I find fulfillment in the next phase of life?
Where will I go? What will I do? Who will I be?
 |
| Me and Gael, my buddy from last year |
I am His.
In The Call, Guinness quotes Dietrich Bonhoeffer's poem. He wrote this in a prison cell not long before he was executed. I think it reflects my paranoia about who I seem to be, who I perceive myself to be, who I perceive others think I am, and who I actually am quite well. Perhaps you'll find a reflection of yourself here too. The last two stanzas are especially poignant.
Who am I?
Who am I? They often tell me
I would step from my cell's confinement
calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a squire from his country-house.
Who am I? They often tell me
I would talk to my warders
freely and friendly and clearly,
as though it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I would bear the days of misfortune
equably, smilingly, proudly,
Like one accustomed to win.
Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I know of myself,
restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
struggling for breath, as though hands were
compressing my throat,
hungry for colours, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
thirsty for words of kindness, for neighbourliness,
trembling with anger at despotisms and
petty humiliation,
caught up in expectation of great events,
powerlessly grieving for friends at an infinite distance,
weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
faint, and ready to lay farewell to it all?
Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today, and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
and before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions
of mine.
Whoever I am, thou knowest, O God, I am thine.
Praises:
- I encountered the man who I gave my Bible to last year at the market! He remembered me before I even said anything! He asked about Back2Back and a staff member gave him contact information. He seemed especially interested in Tres Reyes and the community center being built there. Wouldn't it be cool if he got involved with Back2Back?!? God is good.
- No more sickness or injuries lately--hurray! haha.
Prayer Requests:
- The integration of action steps for when I return home. I have written them down, now I just have to follow through with them.
- Complete immersion in what God is doing this week in Cancún. I want to put my whole heart into service here, that my every action would point undoubtedly to Christ.
Monday, July 21, 2014
Going Through the Motions
I woke up yesterday at 6:41 AM and knowing I had a twelve-hour day in front of me, all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. I knew it from the moment I got out of bed: I was going to fight a huge battle today. And boy, did I ever! I tried to fill my mind with encouragement from Scripture, but to no avail. Even a very inspiring talk from one of Back2Back's ministry partners left me on a spiritual mountaintop for only an hour or so.
I resigned to disengaging my mind and heart.
The progression looked something like this:
That was me yesterday.
Strangely, it was only when I let go of the standards I'd expected of myself,
when I let myself slip through the cracks and I sat down on a cooler and
stared out into space, thinking of nothing but how tired I was
and how justified I was in being tired
that I began
to come back
to life.
Then, even though I felt like the worst representation of Christ's love in my thoughts and attitude, I began to "go through the motions." That's a phrase that no Christian wants to partake of. To serve mindlessly, heart spent and soul dragging . . . wouldn't it be better not to serve at all?
But sometimes, "going through the motions" is where obedience and love start. Sometimes, that's where it stays for a long time. Because love is often doing when you don't feel like it. The reverse can also be true. Love can be resting in Christ's sufficient work when all you wanna do is serve.
But for me, I was just tired.
So, zombie-like, I got up and filmed the interviews.
I played legos with Jocelyn.
I kicked the soccer ball around with Giovanni (until it got stuck on the roof.)
I checked in on how the group was doing building a picnic table.
I played Jenga with Luna and Chicho, whose laughter and smiles waged war on the deep sadness I have been feeling lately, a despair that often comes back to haunt me, birthed from hearing of pain that others have gone through/are currently facing.
I was poked and prodded by mischievous Miguel, invited to sit with Camila, laughed with Christian's mom while swatting away dozens of moscas (flies) swarming around the food from the cookout we were having in the community.
And this soothing lullaby Bible verse became real to me:
"Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30
My impossibly-patient and never-condescending Teacher stooped down to my level (Shepherd to sheep style) and invited me to partake in the work He was doing in His people in the community of Bonfil. I grabbed hold of His hand, with all my grumbling reservations, and watched as my burdens of despair and exhaustion were paradoxically resolved through the very thing I thought was exhausting me: service.
For another perspective on yesterday from my fellow intern/friend Rachel, read her awesome blog post.
I resigned to disengaging my mind and heart.
The progression looked something like this:
I don't wanna get up.
I don't wanna film interviews for staff support raising videos.
I don't wanna try to connect with the groups.
I don't wanna take pictures.
I don't even wanna go play with kids.
Most of all, I don't wanna see any more pain in this beautiful but stupid, stupid world.
Do you ever have those "I'm done! I can't be who people want me to be anymore! I can't be who I want me to be anymore! I can't be who God wants me to be anymore!" moments?
That was me yesterday.
Strangely, it was only when I let go of the standards I'd expected of myself,
when I let myself slip through the cracks and I sat down on a cooler and
stared out into space, thinking of nothing but how tired I was
and how justified I was in being tired
that I began
to come back
to life.
Then, even though I felt like the worst representation of Christ's love in my thoughts and attitude, I began to "go through the motions." That's a phrase that no Christian wants to partake of. To serve mindlessly, heart spent and soul dragging . . . wouldn't it be better not to serve at all?
But sometimes, "going through the motions" is where obedience and love start. Sometimes, that's where it stays for a long time. Because love is often doing when you don't feel like it. The reverse can also be true. Love can be resting in Christ's sufficient work when all you wanna do is serve.
But for me, I was just tired.
So, zombie-like, I got up and filmed the interviews.
I played legos with Jocelyn.
I kicked the soccer ball around with Giovanni (until it got stuck on the roof.)
I checked in on how the group was doing building a picnic table.
I played Jenga with Luna and Chicho, whose laughter and smiles waged war on the deep sadness I have been feeling lately, a despair that often comes back to haunt me, birthed from hearing of pain that others have gone through/are currently facing.
I was poked and prodded by mischievous Miguel, invited to sit with Camila, laughed with Christian's mom while swatting away dozens of moscas (flies) swarming around the food from the cookout we were having in the community.
And this soothing lullaby Bible verse became real to me:
"Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30
For another perspective on yesterday from my fellow intern/friend Rachel, read her awesome blog post.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Bleeding Hope
Feel free to listen to my current favorite song as you read. I listened to it about ten times as I wrote this post:
Casa Asistencia Temporal (the CAT) is a government shelter for kids who have had to be pulled out of their home environments for one reason or the other. Maybe they are juvenile delinquents. Or they have been abused, neglected, raped, etc. All of these children are placed together in a government home. This theoretically means that the abused and the "abuser" could be placed in the same general location. Until things are worked out at home or an alternative place of residence is established, the kids stay at the CAT. Some kids have been living there for more than a year.
Growing up or even spending formative months in an institution can take its toll emotionally. Every week, Back2Back goes to the CAT to teach a Bible lesson, build relationships with the kids, sing some fun songs, play games, etc. We are currently only able to spend a couple hours there each week, but it is these couple hours that have become one of the times I most look forward to. Many mission teams that come down find going to the CAT to be a depressing experience, especially having to leave them after a lot of them have already been left by parents or other authority figures. But somehow every time I go I am filled with hope.
It is a bleeding hope.
It's the kind of hope that hurts, longs, and groans for resurrection. The kind that knows that the Greatest Good, the Greatest Love, is looking after these children and if they come to Him, He will give them unexplainable, divine rest. He will work through all the trauma to bring about something good.
I briefly mentioned one girl from the CAT in my prayer requests a few weeks ago. Her name is Jiramina (or something like that, I don't think I ever quite pronounced it right.) I met Jiramina on a day we went to the CAT to play soccer and basketball with the kids. The group split up, some going to play with the little kids, others with the teens. I made my way over to the teenagers. As I took a break from playing soccer, I noticed a girl on the bleachers. But she wasn't facing the field. She was staring through the bleachers in the opposite direction. She sat alone, staring into a void I cannot know. As I approached and greeted her, she turned, and I could see tears in her eyes. She was perhaps 13, which made the scene more stark somehow: she cradled a tiny doll wrapped in a blanket.
I began to talk with her, asking her the basics. What do you like to do for fun? What's your favorite color? Do you like sports?
We had a wonderful, thirty-minute conversation and played basketball for a few minutes. I hugged her several times and the next time I came to the CAT, other activities were going on and I only had time for a quick greeting and another hug. I told her I would be back soon.
I missed going there the next two weeks, because I wasn't scheduled on the team. This Thursday, she was not there, which is probably a good thing. Is she back home now? Is she in a safe place? I can only pray that it is true.
That is the entirety of my impact on her life. It breaks my heart that I cannot form a deeper relationship with her, but I hope she witnessed a slice of God's love by interacting with me.
In the meantime, I will love each kid I interact with at the CAT. There's Marisol, the four-year-old who clings to me, tickles me, and does front flips over my shoulder as I gently try to get her to pay attention to the lesson. There's Aurora, who speaks English and likes to play Xbox when she is at home. There's Wendi, a beautiful girl with bumps and bruises on her face from some unknown hurt.
This week for VBS at the CAT, the kids wrote down questions they wanted to ask God. Virtually all of them asked something like: "When can I get out of here?" or "When can I go home?" or "Can I see my mom?"
Wow. Writing all of that and reading it back, it all seems very depressing. Where is the hope?
Hope is in the fact that the shelter allows us to talk about Jesus.
Hope is Back2Back being a constant in their tumultuous, changing circumstances.
Hope is in the smiles and laughter of the kids as they belt out the lyrics and dance to songs.
Hope is seeing mission teams connect with the kids, hugging them close and silently praying over them as if they were their own children.
Prayer Requests:
Casa Asistencia Temporal (the CAT) is a government shelter for kids who have had to be pulled out of their home environments for one reason or the other. Maybe they are juvenile delinquents. Or they have been abused, neglected, raped, etc. All of these children are placed together in a government home. This theoretically means that the abused and the "abuser" could be placed in the same general location. Until things are worked out at home or an alternative place of residence is established, the kids stay at the CAT. Some kids have been living there for more than a year.
Growing up or even spending formative months in an institution can take its toll emotionally. Every week, Back2Back goes to the CAT to teach a Bible lesson, build relationships with the kids, sing some fun songs, play games, etc. We are currently only able to spend a couple hours there each week, but it is these couple hours that have become one of the times I most look forward to. Many mission teams that come down find going to the CAT to be a depressing experience, especially having to leave them after a lot of them have already been left by parents or other authority figures. But somehow every time I go I am filled with hope.
It is a bleeding hope.
It's the kind of hope that hurts, longs, and groans for resurrection. The kind that knows that the Greatest Good, the Greatest Love, is looking after these children and if they come to Him, He will give them unexplainable, divine rest. He will work through all the trauma to bring about something good.
Romans 8:22-27 -
"We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.
In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God's people in accordance with the will of God."
I briefly mentioned one girl from the CAT in my prayer requests a few weeks ago. Her name is Jiramina (or something like that, I don't think I ever quite pronounced it right.) I met Jiramina on a day we went to the CAT to play soccer and basketball with the kids. The group split up, some going to play with the little kids, others with the teens. I made my way over to the teenagers. As I took a break from playing soccer, I noticed a girl on the bleachers. But she wasn't facing the field. She was staring through the bleachers in the opposite direction. She sat alone, staring into a void I cannot know. As I approached and greeted her, she turned, and I could see tears in her eyes. She was perhaps 13, which made the scene more stark somehow: she cradled a tiny doll wrapped in a blanket.
I began to talk with her, asking her the basics. What do you like to do for fun? What's your favorite color? Do you like sports?
We had a wonderful, thirty-minute conversation and played basketball for a few minutes. I hugged her several times and the next time I came to the CAT, other activities were going on and I only had time for a quick greeting and another hug. I told her I would be back soon.
I missed going there the next two weeks, because I wasn't scheduled on the team. This Thursday, she was not there, which is probably a good thing. Is she back home now? Is she in a safe place? I can only pray that it is true.
That is the entirety of my impact on her life. It breaks my heart that I cannot form a deeper relationship with her, but I hope she witnessed a slice of God's love by interacting with me.
In the meantime, I will love each kid I interact with at the CAT. There's Marisol, the four-year-old who clings to me, tickles me, and does front flips over my shoulder as I gently try to get her to pay attention to the lesson. There's Aurora, who speaks English and likes to play Xbox when she is at home. There's Wendi, a beautiful girl with bumps and bruises on her face from some unknown hurt.
This week for VBS at the CAT, the kids wrote down questions they wanted to ask God. Virtually all of them asked something like: "When can I get out of here?" or "When can I go home?" or "Can I see my mom?"
Wow. Writing all of that and reading it back, it all seems very depressing. Where is the hope?
Hope is in the fact that the shelter allows us to talk about Jesus.
Hope is Back2Back being a constant in their tumultuous, changing circumstances.
Hope is in the smiles and laughter of the kids as they belt out the lyrics and dance to songs.
Hope is seeing mission teams connect with the kids, hugging them close and silently praying over them as if they were their own children.
Prayer Requests:
- My energy level is waning physically, emotionally, mentally. I'm still very much enjoying serving here, but I'm tired! My brain is in a fog today. I got lots of sleep last night, but I feel like I just pulled an all-nighter. Pray for a supernatural boost of energy for me and the entire staff!
- That I would be able to finish support-raising videos I am putting together for the staff
- Future plans--what in the world am I doing after this?
Praises:
- I fell on my back on steps when I was running at a water park the other day (within the first few minutes--playing too hard!), and though I am incredibly sore, nothing seems to be seriously wrong. Could have been much worse!
- My voice is back!
- VBS and other programming attendance at the Tres Reyes community continues to grow. Word is getting around about the community center that will be built there, and at the last activity we did, there were over 55 kids there!
- God consistently vanquishes my fears through prayer
 |
| Several staff, mission team, and 3 families we work with at a water park together |
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Rubber Duck Worship
My voice is still gone. Not gone, gone. But my singing voice still sounds like a rubber duck lamely squeaking over ocean waves. But you know what's cool? It doesn't even matter. Sure, it is terribly frustrating. This little sickness is stealing much-needed sleep from me as well as depriving me of half my job. But as I sit here and write this, I am almost laughing. Before I even arrived here (because of my tendency towards paranoia) I thought to myself: Self, what is going to happen if you lose your voice? 'Cause God may just see you through that kind of storm. Sounds like about the kind of thing Satan would want to happen to you.
Right then I decided that if that happened I would be that seemingly supernaturally-positive person who doesn't care one whit and trusts God through it all. I was almost anticipating it. But the past few days have been difficult! This sickness isn't even that debilitating. I cough at night, I don't sleep much, and my voice is struggling. But it could be soooooo much worse! Even so, I find it hard not to complain. My energy level is slowly returning, but I was so frustrated yesterday about staying behind to rest instead of going to VBS. Deprived of my ability to serve at the level I want, I become disgruntled and purposeless.
Yet, I preach it to myself even as I pray it in front of the groups: it doesn't even matter.
It's not about me. And God will receive all the praise, honor, and glory whether my voice works or not!
And you know what? My voice is improving, slowly but surely! My speaking voice is fine, people are worshipping in spite of a rubber duck worship leader, and God, forever Teacher, is training me to trust Him. And tonight, I've recruited a couple girls in the new team that has come down to serve to help me with worship. I'm excited to let them take the reigns vocally as I play guitar. Yup. God is good.
Recipe for slight improvement in the voice department: Chamomile Mango tea with a dollop of honey
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Because He First Loved Us
There are stories, heartbreakingly disturbing, real stories, about people born and raised in North Korean concentration camps. Many of these people grow up with no love influencing them. Son turns against mother to fight for food. The only instinct is to fight to survive. (If you are interested in helping the North Korean people fight against the demonic corruption that has plagued their leadership for decades, I suggest checking out "Liberty in North Korea." )
We are born depraved, naturally bent towards seeking our own interests. We need love and if we do not have it, we die . . . a literal, moral, and spiritual death. I was fortunate to be born into a family who loves and cares for me well. A family who showed me that God's love is even greater than theirs. I could just have easily been born into a concentration camp, consumed by fear and never knowing love.
"There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment. So the one who fears has not reached perfection in love. We love because He first loved us."
I love God because He first loved me. I love others because my family first loved me. If I had not seen their example, how could I know love? How could I show love?
What does any of this have to do with my experience in Mexico?
Beth Guckenberger, co-founder of Back2Back, describes it well in her book Relentless Hope. She says: "when I talk to our mission teams about the children we serve I often quote Beth Moore's illustration (originally told by Gilda Radner) of the pregnant dog that was hit by a car and lost her hind legs. She learned to get around by using her front two legs and dragged her behind on the ground. When her puppies were born, they came out with four fully functioning legs, but all of them in their first few weeks chose instead to walk like their mother and drag their rears behind them. When I share that story, I remind our guests the children we serve are often simply modeling their only example. That's not an excuse for any problems they might have, such as poor performance in school, or aggressive behavior, or a tendency to lie but instead it's a motivator for us to engage in their lives. We need to be another example and show them what it's like to run on the four proverbial legs God has given them."
I am here in Mexico right now to help model God's unchangeable, crazy, obsessive love for us.
"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
God knew very well that a lot of us would turn from Him and not accept His sacrifice for our sins. And yet He still provided a way (even for all the sickeningly bad dictators in the world--WHAT?!?!?) anyway. It's a love that most people would call stupid. But for me, it is a beautiful mystery.
My mind is slowly making a parallel here.
This crazy, obsessive, doesn't-matter-who-you-are-or-what-you-do-I-will-always-choose love is accessible for Christ-followers to tap into.
Some of these people Back2Back is ministering to in Mexico have not been loved well. Some, frankly, have not been loved at all. But we have the opportunity to love them with a love that knows no bounds.
Because God first crazy-loved ME.
Can you see the domino effect yet? The revolution of love has been going on for thousands of years and so often I am blind to it!
If we are motivated by Jesus' love when we serve others, we are introducing people to the love that made us capable of love in the first place! How great, how awesome, how wonderful is that love, that turned us away from ourselves and brought the hope of heaven to earth.
Praises:
Prayer Requests:
We are born depraved, naturally bent towards seeking our own interests. We need love and if we do not have it, we die . . . a literal, moral, and spiritual death. I was fortunate to be born into a family who loves and cares for me well. A family who showed me that God's love is even greater than theirs. I could just have easily been born into a concentration camp, consumed by fear and never knowing love.
I love God because He first loved me. I love others because my family first loved me. If I had not seen their example, how could I know love? How could I show love?
What does any of this have to do with my experience in Mexico?
Beth Guckenberger, co-founder of Back2Back, describes it well in her book Relentless Hope. She says: "when I talk to our mission teams about the children we serve I often quote Beth Moore's illustration (originally told by Gilda Radner) of the pregnant dog that was hit by a car and lost her hind legs. She learned to get around by using her front two legs and dragged her behind on the ground. When her puppies were born, they came out with four fully functioning legs, but all of them in their first few weeks chose instead to walk like their mother and drag their rears behind them. When I share that story, I remind our guests the children we serve are often simply modeling their only example. That's not an excuse for any problems they might have, such as poor performance in school, or aggressive behavior, or a tendency to lie but instead it's a motivator for us to engage in their lives. We need to be another example and show them what it's like to run on the four proverbial legs God has given them."
I am here in Mexico right now to help model God's unchangeable, crazy, obsessive love for us.
"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
God knew very well that a lot of us would turn from Him and not accept His sacrifice for our sins. And yet He still provided a way (even for all the sickeningly bad dictators in the world--WHAT?!?!?) anyway. It's a love that most people would call stupid. But for me, it is a beautiful mystery.
My mind is slowly making a parallel here.
This crazy, obsessive, doesn't-matter-who-you-are-or-what-you-do-I-will-always-choose love is accessible for Christ-followers to tap into. Some of these people Back2Back is ministering to in Mexico have not been loved well. Some, frankly, have not been loved at all. But we have the opportunity to love them with a love that knows no bounds.
Because God first crazy-loved ME.
Can you see the domino effect yet? The revolution of love has been going on for thousands of years and so often I am blind to it!
If we are motivated by Jesus' love when we serve others, we are introducing people to the love that made us capable of love in the first place! How great, how awesome, how wonderful is that love, that turned us away from ourselves and brought the hope of heaven to earth.
Praises:
- Fulfilling work -- I get to do so many things that I love on a daily basis
- Getting to know the awesome staff -- I feel so blessed to be able to work with such loving, passionate people.
- 40 kids came to a program at Tres Reyes the other day when only 2 kids had come several weeks previous. The Bazaar must have got the word out to a lot of people! Hurray!
Prayer Requests:
- Healing for my voice that is halfway gone. Not good since I'm leading worship every night. I think I am coming down with a cold. Thankfully Tuesdays we do not have worship, so I have not had to use my voice very much today.
- 3 interns leave Thursday, pray for their safe return and for them to know how to apply what they have learned here in Mexico back home!
- 3 new interns arrive Thursday, including my friend Rachel who also goes to Taylor University and went with me on my first Back2Back mission trip, pray for safety and good preparation!
- What to do after this internship?????????? Pray for wisdom in this area.
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