Carousels, Rollercoasters, and Reverse Culture Shock

Well, everyone, I'm back in Tennessee after a mind-blowingly (that's not a word) fantastic time serving in Mexico. I arrived back at 7 PM, two days ago. To express my thoughts over the last couple days, I've composed a poem. As a preface, in no way am I condemning life lived in the States, and wealth is by no means an enemy if we don't make it a ruler of us. This poem is simply about perspective and adjusting. My new normal in Mexico has been turned on its head again coming back to the States, and it's strange! Also, in the poem I petition against stinginess and becoming too comfortable.    

Carousels, Rollercoasters, and Reverse Culture Shock

bobbing and swaying on this Tennessee porch swing cruise
slide to the left, slide to the right, criss-cross, reverse culture-shock
mild tweets - instead of - tropical cacophonies
chirping crickets - instead of - smooching geckos
no children playing soccer in sunburned streets
no strangers living in my house
pristine pets, no bone-thin strays
because we like it comfortable here
expression and passion stunted
by cultural norms
toilet paper swimming down pipes, not clumping in trash bags
clean water from the sink.
fluoride clean, toothbrush clean.
drinking clean.
air conditioning as a right, not a privilege.
food preference, not food availability

what really matters in life's carousel spinning, repeating, same-old struggles?
i'll ride my static pony around like everyone else
but when the ride stops i'm not paying for another round because

Someone wants to take me on some rollercoasters and
I have my reservations--but
I think I'll let Him.

__________________________________________________________________________

Thank you all so much for supporting me whether through praying, financial support, and/or reading my blog. I truly could not have done this internship without you. Here are just a few tangible ways God has used you:

• to cultivate seeds of passion for the vulnerable in my heart
• leftover funds used to provide a guitar for Back2Back Ministries
• further leftover funds used to help build the Tres Reyes Community Center (see this video for more info)
• God has worked through your prayers to noticeably give me peace, help me in my sicknesses, and give me energy throughout each day

Celebrating Jeny's 14th birthday

 









My last week in Mexico was wonderful. I was able to celebrate the birthday of a wonderful girl whose family Back2Back works with, I got to visit most of the kids I connected with at the sites for a final time, I was able to give a note and say goodbye to Jirinimina (the girl I thought had left, but was actually still at the government shelter,) and I had a lot of fun with the volunteers and interns.

So, what's next?

I can assure you that I am wondering and praying about that. But the answer for now is: I'm not sure. I would request that you don't ask me about future plans for the moment. Ask me about my summer or ask me about the action steps I am taking now due to what God has shown me in Mexico. Such questions will be much more productive and encouraging in the reflective, transitory stage of life I am in now. :)

I am so thankful for all of you! If you'd like to continue reading occasional blog posts of mine: hop on over here.

Hasta pronto!

Videos

I have been working on filming/editing staff support videos for the Back2Back staff here. Feel free to watch these two so you can get a more dynamic glimpse of what Back2Back is doing currently and also get to see some of the sites at which I have been serving!

Who I Am

7 weeks down, 1 to go.

Playing a VBS game

God has stretched these seven weeks into 49 long but fulfilling days. I anticipate seven more days of witnessing God at work among His people in Cancún. I pray the stubborn veils of familiarity and fear would not separate me from full immersion in God's process of making all things new (Revelation 21:5). 

I'm anxious to see what my next step is. 

Will it be coming back to Cancún to work here for a year? Will it be working and serving in Morristown, Nashville, New York, Indiana? Will it be grad school? Will I be using my media production major? What about music? Writing? Will I be helping people? Will I find fulfillment in the next phase of life? 

Where will I go? What will I do? Who will I be? 

Me and Gael, my buddy from last year

I'm resting (or trying to rest) in the fact that these questions do not matter so much as the One who goes before me no matter what: my Shepherd who has been faithful to lead me to the next patch of grass and sustenance in every transition: to my private high school, to Taylor University, to Ireland, to Mexico (twice.) 

I am His. 

In The Call, Guinness quotes Dietrich Bonhoeffer's poem. He wrote this in a prison cell not long before he was executed. I think it reflects my paranoia about who I seem to be, who I perceive myself to be, who I perceive others think I am, and who I actually am quite well. Perhaps you'll find a reflection of yourself here too. The last two stanzas are especially poignant.

Who am I?

Who am I? They often tell me

I would step from my cell's confinement

calmly, cheerfully, firmly,

Like a squire from his country-house.

Who am I? They often tell me

I would talk to my warders

freely and friendly and clearly, 

as though it were mine to command.

Who am I? They also tell me

I would bear the days of misfortune

equably, smilingly, proudly,

Like one accustomed to win.

Am I then really all that which other men tell of? 

Or am I only what I know of myself, 

restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,

struggling for breath, as though hands were 

compressing my throat, 

hungry for colours, for flowers, for the voices of birds, 

thirsty for words of kindness, for neighbourliness,

trembling with anger at despotisms and 

petty humiliation,

caught up in expectation of great events,

powerlessly grieving for friends at an infinite distance,

weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making, 

faint, and ready to lay farewell to it all? 

Who am I? This or the other?

Am I one person today, and tomorrow another?

Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,

and before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling? 

Or is something within me still like a beaten army,

fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?

Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions 

of mine. 

Whoever I am, thou knowest, O God, I am thine.

Praises:

• I encountered the man who I gave my Bible to last year at the market! He remembered me before I even said anything! He asked about Back2Back and a staff member gave him contact information. He seemed especially interested in Tres Reyes and the community center being built there. Wouldn't it be cool if he got involved with Back2Back?!? God is good.
• No more sickness or injuries lately--hurray! haha.

Prayer Requests:

• The integration of action steps for when I return home. I have written them down, now I just have to follow through with them.
• Complete immersion in what God is doing this week in Cancún. I want to put my whole heart into service here, that my every action would point undoubtedly to Christ. 

Going Through the Motions

I woke up yesterday at 6:41 AM and knowing I had a twelve-hour day in front of me, all I wanted to do was go back to sleep. I knew it from the moment I got out of bed: I was going to fight a huge battle today. And boy, did I ever! I tried to fill my mind with encouragement from Scripture, but to no avail. Even a very inspiring talk from one of Back2Back's ministry partners left me on a spiritual mountaintop for only an hour or so.
I resigned to disengaging my mind and heart.

The progression looked something like this:

I don't wanna get up.

I don't wanna film interviews for staff support raising videos.

I don't wanna try to connect with the groups.

I don't wanna take pictures.

I don't even wanna go play with kids.

Most of all, I don't wanna see any more pain in this beautiful but stupid, stupid world.   

Do you ever have those "I'm done! I can't be who people want me to be anymore! I can't be who I want me to be anymore! I can't be who God wants me to be anymore!" moments? 

That was me yesterday.

Strangely, it was only when I let go of the standards I'd expected of myself,
when I let myself slip through the cracks and I sat down on a cooler and
stared out into space, thinking of nothing but how tired I was
and how justified I was in being tired
that I began
to come back
to life.

Then, even though I felt like the worst representation of Christ's love in my thoughts and attitude, I began to "go through the motions." That's a phrase that no Christian wants to partake of. To serve mindlessly, heart spent and soul dragging . . . wouldn't it be better not to serve at all?

But sometimes, "going through the motions" is where obedience and love start. Sometimes, that's where it stays for a long time. Because love is often doing when you don't feel like it. The reverse can also be true. Love can be resting in Christ's sufficient work when all you wanna do is serve.

But for me, I was just tired.


So, zombie-like, I got up and filmed the interviews.
I played legos with Jocelyn.
I kicked the soccer ball around with Giovanni (until it got stuck on the roof.)
I checked in on how the group was doing building a picnic table.

I played Jenga with Luna and Chicho, whose laughter and smiles waged war on the deep sadness I have been feeling lately, a despair that often comes back to haunt me, birthed from hearing of pain that others have gone through/are currently facing.

I was poked and prodded by mischievous Miguel, invited to sit with Camila, laughed with Christian's mom while swatting away dozens of moscas (flies) swarming around the food from the cookout we were having in the community. 

And this soothing lullaby Bible verse became real to me:

"Come to Me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. All of you, take up My yoke and learn from Me, because I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for yourselves. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30

My impossibly-patient and never-condescending Teacher stooped down to my level (Shepherd to sheep style) and invited me to partake in the work He was doing in His people in the community of Bonfil. I grabbed hold of His hand, with all my grumbling reservations, and watched as my burdens of despair and exhaustion were paradoxically resolved through the very thing I thought was exhausting me: service.

For another perspective on yesterday from my fellow intern/friend Rachel, read her awesome blog post.

Bleeding Hope

Feel free to listen to my current favorite song as you read. I listened to it about ten times as I wrote this post:

Casa Asistencia Temporal (the CAT) is a government shelter for kids who have had to be pulled out of their home environments for one reason or the other. Maybe they are juvenile delinquents. Or  they have been abused, neglected, raped, etc. All of these children are placed together in a government home. This theoretically means that the abused and the "abuser" could be placed in the same general location. Until things are worked out at home or an alternative place of residence is established, the kids stay at the CAT. Some kids have been living there for more than a year.

Growing up or even spending formative months in an institution can take its toll emotionally. Every week, Back2Back goes to the CAT to teach a Bible lesson, build relationships with the kids, sing some fun songs, play games, etc. We are currently only able to spend a couple hours there each week, but it is these couple hours that have become one of the times I most look forward to. Many mission teams that come down find going to the CAT to be a depressing experience, especially having to leave them after a lot of them have already been left by parents or other authority figures. But somehow every time I go I am filled with hope.

It is a bleeding hope.

It's the kind of hope that hurts, longs, and groans for resurrection. The kind that knows that the Greatest Good, the Greatest Love, is looking after these children and if they come to Him, He will give them unexplainable, divine rest. He will work through all the trauma to bring about something good.

Romans 8:22-27 - 

"We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God's people in accordance with the will of God."

I briefly mentioned one girl from the CAT in my prayer requests a few weeks ago. Her name is Jiramina (or something like that, I don't think I ever quite pronounced it right.) I met Jiramina on a day we went to the CAT to play soccer and basketball with the kids. The group split up, some going to play with the little kids, others with the teens. I made my way over to the teenagers. As I took a break from playing soccer, I noticed a girl on the bleachers. But she wasn't facing the field. She was staring through the bleachers in the opposite direction. She sat alone, staring into a void I cannot know. As I approached and greeted her, she turned, and I could see tears in her eyes. She was perhaps 13, which made the scene more stark somehow: she cradled a tiny doll wrapped in a blanket.

I began to talk with her, asking her the basics. What do you like to do for fun? What's your favorite color? Do you like sports?  

We had a wonderful, thirty-minute conversation and played basketball for a few minutes. I hugged her several times and the next time I came to the CAT, other activities were going on and I only had time for a quick greeting and another hug. I told her I would be back soon.

I missed going there the next two weeks, because I wasn't scheduled on the team. This Thursday, she was not there, which is probably a good thing. Is she back home now? Is she in a safe place? I can only pray that it is true.

That is the entirety of my impact on her life. It breaks my heart that I cannot form a deeper relationship with her, but I hope she witnessed a slice of God's love by interacting with me.

In the meantime, I will love each kid I interact with at the CAT. There's Marisol, the four-year-old who clings to me, tickles me, and does front flips over my shoulder as I gently try to get her to pay attention to the lesson. There's Aurora, who speaks English and likes to play Xbox when she is at home. There's Wendi, a beautiful girl with bumps and bruises on her face from some unknown hurt.

This week for VBS at the CAT, the kids wrote down questions they wanted to ask God. Virtually all of them asked something like: "When can I get out of here?" or "When can I go home?" or "Can I see my mom?"

Wow. Writing all of that and reading it back, it all seems very depressing. Where is the hope?

Hope is in the fact that the shelter allows us to talk about Jesus.
Hope is Back2Back being a constant in their tumultuous, changing circumstances.
Hope is in the smiles and laughter of the kids as they belt out the lyrics and dance to songs.
Hope is seeing mission teams connect with the kids, hugging them close and silently praying over them as if they were their own children.

Prayer Requests:

• My energy level is waning physically, emotionally, mentally. I'm still very much enjoying serving here, but I'm tired! My brain is in a fog today. I got lots of sleep last night, but I feel like I just pulled an all-nighter. Pray for a supernatural boost of energy for me and the entire staff!
• That I would be able to finish support-raising videos I am putting together for the staff 
• Future plans--what in the world am I doing after this?

Praises:

• I fell on my back on steps when I was running at a water park the other day (within the first few minutes--playing too hard!), and though I am incredibly sore, nothing seems to be seriously wrong. Could have been much worse!
• My voice is back!
•  VBS and other programming attendance at the Tres Reyes community continues to grow. Word is getting around about the community center that will be built there, and at the last activity we did, there were over 55 kids there!
• God consistently vanquishes my fears through prayer

Several staff, mission team, and 3 families we work with at a water park together

Rubber Duck Worship

My voice is still gone. Not gone, gone. But my singing voice still sounds like a rubber duck lamely squeaking over ocean waves. But you know what's cool? It doesn't even matter. Sure, it is terribly frustrating. This little sickness is stealing much-needed sleep from me as well as depriving me of half my job. But as I sit here and write this, I am almost laughing. Before I even arrived here (because of my tendency towards paranoia) I thought to myself: Self, what is going to happen if you lose your voice? 'Cause God may just see you through that kind of storm. Sounds like about the kind of thing Satan would want to happen to you. 

Right then I decided that if that happened I would be that seemingly supernaturally-positive person who doesn't care one whit and trusts God through it all. I was almost anticipating it. But the past few days have been difficult! This sickness isn't even that debilitating. I cough at night, I don't sleep much, and my voice is struggling. But it could be soooooo much worse! Even so, I find it hard not to complain. My energy level is slowly returning, but I was so frustrated yesterday about staying behind to rest instead of going to VBS. Deprived of my ability to serve at the level I want, I become disgruntled and purposeless. 

Yet, I preach it to myself even as I pray it in front of the groups: it doesn't even matter. 

It's not about me. And God will receive all the praise, honor, and glory whether my voice works or not! 

And you know what? My voice is improving, slowly but surely! My speaking voice is fine, people are worshipping in spite of a rubber duck worship leader, and God, forever Teacher, is training me to trust Him. And tonight, I've recruited a couple girls in the new team that has come down to serve to help me with worship. I'm excited to let them take the reigns vocally as I play guitar. Yup. God is good. 

Recipe for slight improvement in the voice department: Chamomile Mango tea with a dollop of honey

Because He First Loved Us

There are stories, heartbreakingly disturbing, real stories, about people born and raised in North Korean concentration camps. Many of these people grow up with no love influencing them. Son turns against mother to fight for food. The only instinct is to fight to survive. (If you are interested in helping the North Korean people fight against the demonic corruption that has plagued their leadership for decades, I suggest checking out "Liberty in North Korea." )

We are born depraved, naturally bent towards seeking our own interests. We need love and if we do not have it, we die . . . a literal, moral, and spiritual death. I was fortunate to be born into a family who loves and cares for me well. A family who showed me that God's love is even greater than theirs. I could just have easily been born into a concentration camp, consumed by fear and never knowing love.

"There is no fear in love; instead, perfect love drives out fear, because fear involves punishment. So the one who fears has not reached perfection in love. We love because He first loved us."

I love God because He first loved me. I love others because my family first loved me. If I had not seen their example, how could I know love? How could I show love?

What does any of this have to do with my experience in Mexico?

Beth Guckenberger, co-founder of Back2Back, describes it well in her book Relentless Hope. She says: "when I talk to our mission teams about the children we serve I often quote Beth Moore's illustration (originally told by Gilda Radner) of the pregnant dog that was hit by a car and lost her hind legs. She learned to get around by using her front two legs and dragged her behind on the ground. When her puppies were born, they came out with four fully functioning legs, but all of them in their first few weeks chose instead to walk like their mother and drag their rears behind them. When I share that story, I remind our guests the children we serve are often simply modeling their only example. That's not an excuse for any problems they might have, such as poor performance in school, or aggressive behavior, or a tendency to lie but instead it's a motivator for us to engage in their lives. We need to be another example and show them what it's like to run on the four proverbial legs God has given them."

I am here in Mexico right now to help model God's unchangeable, crazy, obsessive love for us.

"But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

God knew very well that a lot of us would turn from Him and not accept His sacrifice for our sins. And yet He still provided a way (even for all the sickeningly bad dictators in the world--WHAT?!?!?) anyway. It's a love that most people would call stupid. But for me, it is a beautiful mystery.

My mind is slowly making a parallel here.

This crazy, obsessive, doesn't-matter-who-you-are-or-what-you-do-I-will-always-choose love is accessible for Christ-followers to tap into.

Some of these people Back2Back is ministering to in Mexico have not been loved well. Some, frankly, have not been loved at all. But we have the opportunity to love them with a love that knows no bounds.

Because God first crazy-loved ME.

Can you see the domino effect yet? The revolution of love has been going on for thousands of years and so often I am blind to it!

If we are motivated by Jesus' love when we serve others, we are introducing people to the love that made us capable of love in the first place! How great, how awesome, how wonderful is that love, that turned us away from ourselves and brought the hope of heaven to earth.

Praises:

• Fulfilling work -- I get to do so many things that I love on a daily basis
• Getting to know the awesome staff -- I feel so blessed to be able to work with such loving, passionate people. 
• 40 kids came to a program at Tres Reyes the other day when only 2 kids had come several weeks previous. The Bazaar must have got the word out to a lot of people! Hurray!

Prayer Requests:

• Healing for my voice that is halfway gone. Not good since I'm leading worship every night. I think I am coming down with a cold. Thankfully Tuesdays we do not have worship, so I have not had to use my voice very much today. 
• 3 interns leave Thursday, pray for their safe return and for them to know how to apply what they have learned here in Mexico back home!
• 3 new interns arrive Thursday, including my friend Rachel who also goes to Taylor University and went with me on my first Back2Back mission trip, pray for safety and good preparation!
• What to do after this internship?????????? Pray for wisdom in this area.

Un Gran Bazaar!

Hola! Vamos a tener un gran bazaar en el Centro Comunitario de Tres Reyes hoy. Son a las tres y vendemos zapatos, maletas, y muchas ropas, todo por veinte pesos. Tenemos juegos y actividades para los niños como fútbol, pintar la cara, y colorear. 

Translation: Hello! We'll have a big bazaar at the Three Kings Community Center today. It is at three and we sell shoes, bags, and many clothes, each for twenty pesos. We have games and activities for kids such as soccer, face painting, and coloring.

That was my pitch on a pot-hole-ridden street in Cancún. Sarah and I set out from the Tres Reyes Community Center to hand out fliers and invite people to a bazaar Back2Back was setting up as we spoke. Sarah's pitch was like a fastball, flying hard like a true local: Spanish flawless, joy evident. My attempt at communication was less polished, but I was proud of myself when we returned from our handout expedition. 

Yesterday was one of the longest, hardest, yet most rewarding days I have had here yet. 

I had the privilege of helping set up for a bazaar, for which we had literally hundreds of donations to display in a relatively small space. With several staff and over 20 group members, we barely organized everything in time. By 2:30 a line of 50 people were waiting at the gates. I guess our fliers were effective? 

VBS kids with tickets

The need was overwhelming. Because we were letting 15 people in at a time for the sake of crowd control, some of these people waited over an hour in the blazing 90 degree heat just to get a few pairs of shoes. Kids who had come to VBS the previous Saturday got a ticket to receive a free pair of shoes, socks, and underwear. I saw grins the size of watermelons as kids exchanged their special ticket for their items.

Purposefully, we did not just give everyone handouts. Back2Back is against the idea of Americans being the "heroes." Instead, we come alongside each individual and family we interact with to work together to improve their situation and lives. Thus, we charged 20 pesos per item (extremely cheap, but still a sacrifice.) 

It was beautiful chaos. 

But where there is beauty, there is always a little bit of ugly too. 

Mothers bickered to the staff, proclaiming why they had the right to get inside before the line reached them. Some tried to take more than the allotted maximum amount of items. Others insisted they wanted to buy extra for their brother, cousin, uncle, etc. who could not be there. A few tried to sneak some shoes through or over the fence to friends or family. One lady outside the fence asked if I spoke Spanish, and when I said the customary, "Un poquito" (a little) she launched into this whole charade of which I did not understand a single word. 

Though this community has its flaws (like every other community) I think I have begun to fall in love with Tres Reyes. I don't know what the specific draw is, but I do know that there is a lot of hurt there, many broken families, and a hunger for hope. There are also a lot more shy, subdued children than in other locations we work like San Jose Children's Home or a community called Bonfil. 

Jocelyn and I

Jocelyn, a girl who lives in Tres Reyes and comes to VBS, has taken a special interest in me for whatever reason. Every time she sees me, she cries, "Leeendsey!!!" She gives me a sweet smile and hugs me tight. "Leendsey from Tennessee! 21 years!" This girl has got an amazing memory and she's proud of it. When I told her I was from Tennessee, Jocelyn said, "No way! My father, too!" I'm quite skeptical of that statement, but who knows! Once, she gave me a lollipop. 

The community center Back2Back is in the process of building will be a great help to the community. It will include a playground, a library, classrooms, a medical clinic, a counseling center, a pharmacy, a soccer field, a basketball court, and even more. One mother told Erick (site director) that she is so excited that there will be a place for her children to play because currently there is nowhere safe for them to go.

An unexpected visitor at the Bazaar

Forever Student

I'm never going to graduate.

I'm not in denial. The grief and feeling of loss that comes with graduation from TU has not yet hit. The fact is, I am constantly learning and, I believe, even in heaven I will eternally be learning more about God. We will have work to do. Since we will no longer see life dimly through a dark glass (1 Cor. 13:12), all of our work will be immediately good, fulfilling and rewarding. Our capacity and ability to learn will be renewed to its fullest potential. How exciting!

My student status here in Mexico is being stretched. I'm learning in new ways and experiences. Here at the group house, I am the oldest intern, the only college graduate. The others are 17, 18, 19, and 20 (crazy, right?) Right now, we are with a high school church group who has come to Cancún for the week to help with construction projects, build relationships with kids, and generally further Back2Back's mission of "care for today, hope for tomorrow" to everyone we serve.

Left to Right: Maddie, Alexis, Gio, Annie, Me

I'm finding there's a certain heightened level of responsibility I feel as the oldest in my peer group. There's also an unfortunate sense of spiritual superiority. Where the heck did that come from??? Is it because I went to the number one Midwest University according to U.S. News & World Report? Is it because of my tendency to subconsciously judge shallow, deconstructive words and actions? Is it because I feel like my life experiences have somehow surpassed theirs and that I have learned so much more? Is it because I have consistently desired to seek God in my darkest moments?

Whatever it is, my reasons are void of any reason.


Today I am thankful that God is humbling me in the areas where I tend to be prideful and restoring me in those places of continual self-condemnation. 

My younger peers have been teaching me a lot lately. I hope I have been teaching them as well. Co-dependence, co-discipleship . . . this is what community is all about! I am constantly surprised by sudden depths of insight or corrections in my way of thinking. And I can see glimpses of child-like faith stirring in their hearts. Not childish faith, but a faith that inspires me to trust in a Father immediately concerned with all of our needs.

By no means have I solved all the mysteries of life either here in Mexico or back in the states. I'm a forever student of God's grace and love.

And I like it that way.

Praises:

• Alexis's (one of the interns) friend who was in a major accident is now out of the hospital! Hurray!!!!
• Constant opportunities to learn and grow
• An unexpectedly quick recovery after feeling sick one evening
• Getting to connect with/love a girl at the government shelter for juvenile delinquents and abused kids (more about this later)
• An unexpected HUGE monetary donation to the Tres Reyes Community Center Back2Back is building (more on this later as well)

Prayer Requests: 

• The ability to process and put into action what I am learning
• Supernatural perseverance to continue trying to communicate in Spanish and to build relationships here, keeping in mind Christ's abounding love available to me at all times

Sueños

Whether you wanna be a concert pianist, collect ceramic unicorns, meet a leprechaun, or fall in love, everyone has a dream, right? Actually, everyone does not have a dream, because not everyone dares to hope for what they can't see. Sounds a little something like faith, huh? 

God surprises me. Constantly. By no means did I think God would bring to mind the subject of having a dream for the future. I'm very much a live-in-the-now kind of girl. I want to love people where I'm at and not think about anything else, because it's more effective . . . it is also easier . . . you get hurt less because your hopes don't get crushed, you know? I wasn't always this way. Could God be pushing me to unchain the bridled dreams inside my heart? What dreams do I even have anyway?

Sueños (dreams) have been swimming all around me here in Mexico. I can't remember how many people have asked me what my dream is, and I've heard so many dreams of Back2Back staff, volunteers, and even kids. Not to mention, my friend Sarah who works with Back2Back asked if I wanted to study and discuss The Call which focuses on fostering your God-given calling. Dreams are a big part of that. I've only been here a week and I feel like God is throwing every asset at me to remind me it is good and even important to dream.

Kids watching the VBS skit. What are their dreams?

Saturday, I went to an under-developed community called Tres Reyes to help with VBS. First of all, I am thrilled that Back2Back is doing Group curriculum VBS. This is the same curriculum I directed for four years at my home church and I am very familiar with the way Group teaches. I had such fun throwing a football around with a few of the kids before the program started. And of course, I was all into doing the awkward but lovable motions to the theme song.

I was the only intern that went on Saturday and I was the only American in a van packed (and I mean packed) full of Mexicans headed to Tres Reyes. Here I learned that there is a perfectly sound reason for the phrase "language barrier." It certainly isn't as passive or tame as a "language traffic cone." I felt exhausted just trying to keep up with the general ideas of what everyone was saying! Everyone was so accommodating and kind, trying to talk to me. I smiled and said a lot of, "Si! Si!" and pretended I knew what they were saying (silly, right?) For a while I tried to ask questions, but in time I simply grew weary of my four-year-old level of Spanish and stopped trying as much. 

It was on this journey that the sueño topic came up again. Gloria (not her real name) is the daughter of two Back2Back ministry partners. She is around thirteen years old and she is awesome. The whole way there, she struck up a conversation with me and persisted through my nonsensical Spanglish. She told me that her dream is to be a missionary in Israel or Afghanistan. I was floored by the excitement and passion in this girl's heart. What a huge and "impossible" dream! Good thing God's specialty is working with the impossible.

Praises: 

• Worship is going well
• The first mission team that has come down is bonding well and seems to be learning a lot. They are getting a lot of work done too!

Pray for: 

• the language barrier not to become too daunting
• General peace--there is so much input in my brain with the bazillion wonderful experiences here but I have had little effective processing. I've had time to process, but have had shallow and scatter-brained times of reflection. By no means do I want to just go through the motions. 
• a good friend of another of the interns to recover from a major accident

We celebrated a girl's birthday from one of the children's homes Back2Back works with by bringing her to the group house and throwing a pool party for her!

Bienvenidos a Cancún!

Hola familia y amigos!

I'm safe and sweaty here in Cancún, Mexico. Though I was welcomed by flight turbulence and a deluge of rain and flooding, the skies have since cleared and the rain has become more sporadic. My friend Sarah Nace who is working with Back2Back picked me up at the airport back to the leaky but well-loved group home! Today is my second full day here and I am so excited to see what God is doing here. It's gonna be a busy summer for sure, but this week is the calm before the storm. New teams will be coming every week and it is the interns' job to help the teams with whatever is needed and facilitate relationships between them and the kids. We are here to make their experience as wonderful as possible.

There are three other interns here for the month of June: Annie, Alexis, and Gio (Giovanni, G-money, G-dawg) . Annie is arriving Saturday so be praying for her!

So far I have attended a staff meeting and have been going through staff training with the interns. We went to one my favorite food joints here: Parque de las Palapas. I got a tasty picadillo empanada!

Today we will be going to the Tres Reyes community to set up VBS decorations at the church there! Huzzah!

Though there isn't much to write about yet, I wanted to fill you in on a little Cancún history. The city was created in the 1970s specifically for tourism. A sudden influx of Mexicans and Central American people flocking to the promised jobs here has created a population problem. There aren't enough jobs for the people who left their families to come here and send money back home. The statistics here in Cancún are dire. Broken families are the norm with 70% of marriages ending in divorce. Cancún ranks highest in Mexico for the number of suicides and the drug/substance abuse is rampant. Sex trafficking and prostitution are also disgustingly prevalent. Widows sell themselves to provide for their families.

Back2Back is here to, as Erick (co-director of the Cancún site) put it, take back Cancún. So much progress has already been made with particular families and communities. I have already heard stories, though I know there are countless more, of children breaking out of the cycle of poverty with Back2Back coming alongside them and ministry partners, working together to meet spiritual, physical, educational, emotional, and social needs.

There is much devastation here, but hope overpowers the darkness. Satan doesn't stand a chance against the Light of the world.

Voy a Mexico!

I wrote this poem in my Poetry Writing class this past semester. Tomorrow I will be there! Pray for packing success and safety traveling. This is gonna be awesome. 

Cancún

Your dust petal paths smell of salt and vibrancy.

Your poverty is a shipwreck.

Tourists plunder your identity.

                       

You play along to survive.

It’s like pretend,

for real.

But your embodiment lies

beyond the hotel zone.

Mixing concrete

like too-thick cake batter

Playing Memory

with little

tramposos

Grins and giggles

As a gaggle of girls gallop

To the libros arriving

In plastic bins

The most thrilling part of the week!

Little voices raised, crying,

Mi Dios es Grande

On the street,

Drilled into dirt doorways

Like the blood of the Passover Lamb

You showed me simple.

I want to stay.

An Introduction to the Back2Back Cancún Guitar

Name suggestions, anyone??? haha.

So Many Things!

The to-do list seems to be growing larger, not shrinking as the days fly by towards my arrival in Mexico. I am celebrating the smallest victories in the bulk of stuff I need to get done. A week between graduation and leaving for my internship is suddenly seeming altogether too short. Let's be honest: I am not prepared. Thankfully, my definition of "prepared" is not the same as God's definition. I don't like to use cliché phrases, but I am certainly thankful at this moment that God "does not call the qualified, but qualifies the called." My scant and scattered preparation for this summer in the midst of my busiest semester at school is more than enough only because God is on my side.

I know who goes before me . . . I know who stands behind . . .

In four short days, I leave for Back2Back Cancún to serve as a worship leader intern. Many of my passions will converge once again, as they did last spring break for a week and a half: worship, God, Spanish, kids, intentionally loving people . . . this time, I will even get to use what I have learned in my major and do a short video project for Back2Back while I am there! I am eager and hopeful, expecting to see God's goodness at work in the lives of people in Mexico. 

The God of angel armies is always by my side . . .

But there is also the familiar, sickening anxiety lurking at the door, peeping in through the blinds. Anxiety is not a discreet enemy. I ask that you would pray for me these next few days as I continue to prepare.

the one who reigns forever, He is a friend of mine . . . 

One of the tasks on my to-do list is to buy (with a portion of the excess funds you all helped me raise--THANK YOU!) a guitar here in the US to take to Mexico and leave there for future worship leaders that come to serve with Back2Back. Pray it will make the trip to Mexico in one piece! I know everything will work out fine as long as God wants it to, and so far it seems like He is wanting a guitar down there, so I'm not too worried. Yay for little opportunities to have faith! :)

the God of angel armies is always by my side

Praise: I have had an awesome week so far. I have been full of joy and energy and also have been blessed by unexpected kindnesses!

Please Pray for:
1. My massive to-do list
2. First time navigating airport/airplanes by myself
3. Packing

4. The guitar
5. Overall sense of peace 

Our Abundant God!

God is so gracious in his love and faithfulness. For my summer at Back2Back, I asked in my letter for $900 to cover expenses. God doubled that amount! We raised over $1800. I'm not surprised, but I am so grateful. So, what will happen with this extra money? The plan is to buy a guitar in Mexico, leaving it there so that when I leave, future worship leaders/Back2Back staff can have a guitar of their own. The remaining funds will go wherever Back2Back most needs it!
A huge thank you to all of you for your donations and/or prayers.

Please continue to pray that:

• I would finish up my last few weeks at Taylor University loving and living well
• I would walk step by step in faith throughout this exciting journey
• I would be able to prepare worship songs/powerpoint in the little time I have 
• I would not be consumed by self-scrutiny, but live in the glorious freedom of God's grace and love

This short documentary gives a personal look into one of the 163,000,000 orphans that Back2Back has sought to stand beside and love as Christ loves them. She seems like a pretty awesome girl. I hope I get to meet her one day. :)

Mi Dios es Grande

How do I begin to express how I felt a few short months ago when an opportunity I had been praying for since last spring break introduced itself in a sprightly Facebook message? Well, as you can see, I expressed myself with full composure and grace (actually I sounded like an overexcited 13-year-old girl.)

Few events in my life have given me such unrestrained joy. My immediate thoughts were:

1. Oh thank you, God, thank you, thank you, thank you
2. I get to see those beautiful kids again!
3. This is exactly what I hoped for!

After Sarah told me about the opportunity, I met with the Mowery's (Back2Back site directors in Cancún), who were making their rounds in the States. It was so wonderful to see them again, and my excitement grew as I heard more details about the internship! I had been planning on asking Back2Back if they had any short term openings that I could fill, and unexpectedly, a placement came to me before I had a chance to ask! My role involves organizing and leading worship songs, putting together Powerpoints, leading music with kids in different communities, and helping mission teams connect with the kids with whom they will be interacting.

Julie and Erick Mowery

Praises:

• My flight is booked. I'm leaving June 2!
• I will be rooming with my friend Sarah Nace (she's already in Cancún, and will be there for a year) in the group home! 
• My friend Rachel who was also on the Back2Back mission trip last spring break with me will be an intern for a month in July while I am there!

Prayer Requests:

• The ability to fully enjoy my last semester here at Taylor
• To look for jobs even though I feel secure because I have the first couple months after graduation planned
• General prep for Mexico, especially for a deeper trust and joy in God
• My friends Sarah and Rachel (see above) 

Rachel (next to me) and some of our team with kids
in the Tres Reyes community

Life doesn't always fall into place the way I want it, but I am going to celebrate this awesome blessing and thank God over and over, because I am full of hope. Thanks for reading. :) 

I am hoping to raise $900 for my trip to account for travel and living expenses. All excess funds will be given to further Back2Back’s ministry. For your financial gift to be tax-deductible, please write a check to Lakeway Community Church and put “Mexico” in the memo line. Here is the address to which you can send your check:

Lakeway Community Church 
1855 Sulphur Springs Rd. 
 Morristown, TN 37813